While most of the press thought he was pulling these theories out of his ass, they didn’t expect A.G.’s response at all, “I think it’s time the world should know the truth, and John and I discussed it and…” She cleared her throat and lowered her voice to its lowest possible octave, “I’m not Cardboard Baby Jane, but was indeed, born male. My name is actually Alex George and I am the father of Seth’s wife’s baby.”
Yeah, this shut everyone up.
The rest of the band including her husband bellowed with laughter. Seth continued to while flipping her off at the other end of the table.
The press honestly didn’t know what to do with this.
As the tabloid guy kicked and screamed and could be heard all the way in the hall, Cole chimed in, “Nice try, but it’s time they hear the real story, ja? I’m the papa. I got my wife pregnant and Simone, Alex really is a woman and is carrying my baby…” He trailed and pointed to a female reporter seated in the front row, “Would you like to be next? I’m really good.” He finished with his signature smile, waggled his eyebrows and winked.
Angela threw her hand over her face as the band continued to laugh.
Continuing her impression of a dude, A.G. answered him by grabbing her crotch, “Kraut dude, you wish you had what I have going on down here.” She looked at the same reporter in the front row, “Trust me sweetheart, I’m all man.”
The two founding members were now laughing so hard, they were sprawled on the table face down.
The reporters mercifully caught on they were all full of it and one of them asked, “So Seth, how does it feel to be the first in your group to become a parent?”
He looked up and pointed to the other end where his sister was, “Shouldn’t you be asking one of my wife’s baby daddy’s that question?”
A.G. replied to him by giving him an ornery grin and scratched her crotch like one of them would, made a sound like she was about hack up a logy and instead belched.
Her husband was laughing so hard he had tears streaming down his face. He fell madly and passionately in love with her all over again.
As disgusting as she was.
Hiatt held out his arms, “Alright dudes, it’s time to get serious. The real reason why it’s taken so long to make this album is because first and foremost, we had to figure shit out together as a family.”
Everyone in the room sobered and his band mates were a bit surprised. Angela looked shocked, yet relieved the ADHD drummer of all people was putting this press conference back on track.
“Alex, through DNA testing it turns out, really is my brother. John here, is actually my second cousin’s son, twice removed, the kraut dude here is our father, you know, because he’s really good and all, Drake is his brother and in turn is our long-lost uncle who founded this band to bring us all together and we suspect Seth is actually Fidel Castro’s illegitimate love child and we’re all still unsure who’s baby Simone is carrying, but I believe it’s mine, but we won’t know until she has it. But we’ll tweet the results. There, everyone got that straight?”
His band mates and roughly half of the reporters began laughing again. Angela was as well, but also muttering to herself in Spanish how she really needed to join Doc on his fuck you island after all of this.